You honestly can't get better than a good neighborhood butcher shop. Most UTBAPHs are lateral moves, at best, but this is an exception. Our buddy Sig, presumably of Deadliest Catch fame, has done us a solid by moving his crab-fishing operation as far inland as a human can get, and swapping out those disgusting sea-insects for some honest-to-goodness slabs of meat.
And not just any meat. Oh no. You want some processed bologna-like food substance, you can go elsewhere. This is gourmet meat. Shit you probably never even heard of. Shit you definitely don't deserve, but will buy anyway because you are terrible with making reasonable decisions (I am basing this assumption on recent presidential election polls).
So if you live within 900 (or so) miles of Derby, Kansas (who does?), then do yourself a favor by clearing the Bagel Bites out of your chest freezer to make room for as much gourmet meat as your fat squatty little arms can wrap around down at Sig's. You won't be disappointed. Probably. I have no idea. I have never been there. It could be total crap.