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Friday, April 10, 2015

Augusta Full Gospel Church in Augusta, Georgia

If you are looking for the REAL leaderboard in Augusta this week, look no further than the Augusta Full Gospel Church in, you guessed it, Savannah Augusta.

Full gospel churches, for those who are not in the know, can easily be Googled so that someone who is, say, for example, writing a snarky blog post, could, if he so desired, find out what they are. Key word here is "could."

But let's forget about the percentage of gospelness that this church provides -- full, partial, or otherwise. What intrigues me so much about UTBAPH churches (aside from the fact that people actually go to them at all) is the interior configuration. I really want to hop on a random white van sometime (assuming that most of them take you straight to UTBAPH churches) and check one out. Because the only doors on an UTBAPH (as we all know) are symmetrically placed on the sides, between the dining area and the kitchen. Where, then, would an altar be in such a configuration? Presumably it would be somewhere near the doors. I feel like, were you so inclined, you could easily to jump right to the front of a communion line, assuming that you timed your arrival properly to a church of said layout.

Look, I am not suggesting that everyone who attends an UTBAPH church should arrive 45 minutes late and skip to the head of the communion line. I don't want hoards of otherwise well-meaning churchgoers to pick up on this blog post and pass it along to all of their UTBAPH-church-attending friends and start some sort of campaign that goes viral and becomes all of the rage this summer. That would be chaos. And if there is one thing I don't like, it is people who eat chips loudly in the cubicle next to mine, but if there are two things that I don't like, they are people who eat chips loudly in the cube next to mine, and chaos.

But my curiosity regarding the layout of UTBAPH churches is genuine, so I encourage all of you hordes of affluent golf aficionados who are in Augusta this week to swing by and check this place out. Maybe dump that Sunday pass that you have (nothing good ever happens on Sunday in a golf tournament anyway, right Phil?) and head over to the Augusta Full Gospel Church and snap a few photos.

But don't disrupt the service.